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The Marriage of Figaro- Abridged for today's audiences- Act II - Tytania Strange
The Insane Ramblings of a Diseased Imagination
The Marriage of Figaro- Abridged for today's audiences- Act II
Act II

Countess: *aria- My Life Sucks*

Susanna enters

Countess: So, tell me all about how the count tried to smex you.

Susanna: No need, we covered all that in act one.

Countess: Coolio, let's deal with Cherubino's problem.

Figaro enters

Figaro: Not to worry, I have a brilliant plan. We'll dress Cherubino up as a chick and trick the Count into trying to hook up with him. Then the Count will be destroyed by the gay... or something. Laters! *leaves*

Countess: Whatever, I guess we'll just pretend like that makes sense. Where's Cherubino?

Cherubino enters

Susanna: Awesome! Now you can sing that aria that you gave me in Act One.

Cherubino: *aria- I'm So Horny I'd Have Sex With a Toilet in a Tutu*

Countess: Brilliant! Susanna, dress him up as a chick because it's kinda hot.

Susanna: *aria- You'd Better Not Look Sexier Than Me in My Dress* *leaves*

Countess: Ack! I hear the Count coming! Hide!!!

Cherubino: *hides in the closet (yes, we know where you think this is going but it really isn't going to go there)*

The Count enters

Count: I found this random, mysterious letter and also, Cherubino's in the closet.

Countess: *splorfle* No, he's not.

Count: Yes, he is.

Susanna walks in unseen by the Count and Countess

Countess: No, Susanna's in the closet.

Susanna: *facepalm**hides*

Count: Look, I'm not going for it. She was all over Figaro in Act I. There's no way she's in that closet. I'm getting a crowbar to bash down the door and then to possibly beat Cherubino to death (which could actually happen if this was a verismo opera) and you're coming with me because you're not in the next scene

The Count and Countess leave together

Susanna: Dude, come out of the closet!

Cherubino: Look, just because I'm played by a chick doesn't mean that--

Susanna: Oh please, you know we're not going there. We're locked in the room and the Count is coming back to kick all our asses.

Cherubino: *jumps out the window*

Susanna: Well that solves that problem. Now, I'll go into the closet. No, not like that. *hides in the closet*

The Count and Countess enter

Count: Closet door SMASH!!!

Countess: Erm... about that... Cherubino's in there and he's naked.

Susanna: Hi.

Count: *facepalm* So what was this all about again?

Countess: We did it for the LULZ.

Susanna: And that's Figaro's letter.

Figaro enters

Figaro: Here I come to save the day!!

Count: Great. Now that you're here, you can tell me about this random letter I found earlier.

Figaro: It's not my letter.

Susanna and the Countess: Yes it is.

Figaro: No, it's not.

Susanna and the Countess: Yes. It. Is.

Figaro: Whatever. Let's just skip to the wedding.

Antonio enters with his flower pot

Antonio: Cherubino jumped out the window into my flower garden

Count: WTF????

Countess, Susanna and Figaro: No, he didn't.

Antonio: Yes he did.

Countess, Susanna and Figaro: Don't beleive him, he's on pot

Antonio: Oh ha ha, that joke is only funny in rehearsals and I totally saw Cherubino jump out of that window

Figaro: That was me jumping out of that window.

Countess and Susanna: Figaro's awesome!

Antonio: No, it wasn't Figaro, and I have the papers to prove it!

Countess and Susanna: Oh crap.

Figaro: Oh cool, you found the papers that I dropped when I jumped out the window just now.

Countess and Susanna: Figaro's awesome!

Antonio: Oh whatever *leaves*

Count: And why, exactly, do you have Cherubino's papers?

Countess and Susanna: Oh crap.

Countess: *whispering to Susanna* Something about a seal

Susanna: *whispering to Figaro* Something about a seal

Figaro: Something about a seal

Countess, Susanna and Figaro: Now that's sorted out, please let this finale end.

Count: Dammit, my evil plans are foiled!

Marcellina, Bartolo and Basilio enter

Marcellina: I have a contract to marry Figaro

Bartolo: And I'm her lawyer!

Basilio: And I just work here!

Count: Rock on! My evil plans are back in motion!

Countess, Susanna and Figaro: *headdesk*

Everyone continues singing for another ten minutes until the curtain comes down

End of Act II


7 comments or Leave a comment
divamelisande From: divamelisande Date: February 2nd, 2009 11:19 am (UTC) (Link)
Brilliant! :-)
tenorvox From: tenorvox Date: February 2nd, 2009 11:40 am (UTC) (Link)


Yanno, you're ON ta something here.


floundah From: floundah Date: February 2nd, 2009 03:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's some damned funny shit. You rock! :D
wiliqueen From: wiliqueen Date: February 2nd, 2009 04:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love you and wish to send you virtual yummy treats of your choice.
maiac From: maiac Date: February 2nd, 2009 04:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
I saw a link to your lolopera in wiliqueen's LJ.

This is snarktastic. I am in awe.
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 2nd, 2009 04:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

More, more, more!

Please, the next acts! ASAP, please?

Then, could you please do Die Entführung aus dem Serail? And maybe Rigoletto?
zansidhe From: zansidhe Date: February 2nd, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
Genius!! And now I'm picturing Hvorostovsky standing there in all his chest baring shirt yumminess with a hammer.
7 comments or Leave a comment